I love bringing these back every once in a while!

DEEP THOUGHTS
BY JACK HANDY....

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em
go, because, man, they're gone.


To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something
when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you
give me a hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."


One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going
to take my nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old
burned-out warehouse. "Oh no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried
and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good
joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting
pretty late.


If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell
him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute
thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."


If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the
mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.


Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my
first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an
ant and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.


Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some
sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.


I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed
out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years,
because I was thinking about doing that anyway.


I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate
revolver. And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run
up to him real quick and hand it to him.


Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word
itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words "mank" and
"ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery and that's why so is mankind.


It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And
I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there,
rocking back and forth, wanting that money.


To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've
wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time
I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.


As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red
again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than
a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.


I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without
hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd
never expect it.


If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people,
like I am now.


When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was
call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and
started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.



Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?