Can a one-eyed person have 20/20 vision?
How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
Have ex-cowboys become deranged??
Have ex-drycleaners become depressed?
How do you throw away a garbage can?
Why in baseball is it called the World Series if it is only played in the U.S.A & Canada?
Why do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of
mortgage payments.
Attempt to get a new car for your spouse- it'll be a great trade!
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace prize.
Everybody repeat after me..."We are all individuals."
Death to all fanatics!
Chastity is curable, if detected early.
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.
Borrow money from pessimists- they don't expect it back.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Beat the 5 o'clock rush, leave work at noon.
If you jogged backward . . .would you gain weight?
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
There's no future in time travel.
If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
Corduroy pillows -- they're making headlines!
Polynesia -- memory loss in parrots.
A good pun is its own reword.
Laughing stock -- cattle with a sense of humor?
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
I love cats ... they taste just like chicken.
Lord save me from your followers.
Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.
I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Be nice to your kids. They'll be choosing your nursing home.
Some people have a way with words, others not have way.
Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
"More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!"
I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
I want patience... AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!
If you spread out all the sand in North Africa, it would cover the Sahara Desert.
Drink your Coffee! There are people in India sleeping.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.
I have friends who swear they dream in color...It's just a pigment of their imagination.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
Look out for #1. Don't step in #2, either.
Department of Redundancy Department
90% of all statistics are made up.
"If the shoe fits, buy it." Imelda Marcos
It's sad how whole families are torn apart by simple things, like wild dogs.
Karaoke is Japanese for "Tone Deaf"
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3 out of 4 Americans make up 75% of the population.
A day for firm decisions! Or is it?
A day without radiation is a day without sunshine.
A day without sunshine is like night.
A seminar on Time Travel will be held two weeks ago.
Alzheimer's advantage: New friends every day.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
An unemployed court jester is no one's fool.
Any closet is a walk-in closet if you try hard enough.
As I said before, I never repeat myself.
As long as I can remember, I've had amnesia.
Bigamy: one wife too many. Monogamy: same thing
Bombs don't kill people, explosions kill people.
Bureaucrats cut red tape, lengthwise.
Chipmunks roasting on an open fire.
Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.
Clairvoyants meeting canceled due to unforeseen events.
Clones are people two.
Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.
Confucius say: Those who quote me are fools.
Did ya hear? They took the word gullible out of the dictionary!
I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming, terrified, like his passengers.
Do not put statements in the negative form.
Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?
Don't be a sexist, broads hate that.
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Friction can be a drag sometimes.
Geez if you believe in honkus.
He's a graduate of The Uncle Fester & Keith Moon School of hair styling.
Have you seen Quasimoto? I have a hunch he's back!
He who places head in sand, will get kicked in the end!
Help stamp out, eliminate and abolish redundancy!
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise MY hand!
Hypochondria is the only disease I haven't got.
I bet you I could stop gambling.
I couldn't care less about apathy.
I got arrested in LA and boy am I beat!
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
Drilling for oil is boring.
Energizer Bunny Arrested! Charged with battery.
I tried to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.
I used to be schizophrenic, but we're all right now.
I wouldn't touch the Metric System with a 3.048m pole!
I've got a mind like a.. a.. what's that thing called?
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving isn't for you.
If evolution is outlawed, only outlaws will evolve.
How come overtones and undertones are the same thing?
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?