Deep Thoughts..By Jack Handy

can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.



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To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

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Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.

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If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone.

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If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.

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To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other.

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Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

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I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.

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Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words "mank"and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery and that's why so is mankind.

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If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.

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It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.