you
have the sweetest smile!

So it's the weekend...
It's time to get fucking shmamered!
What are you doing this weekend?
Ihope your weekend is filled with booze, friends, fourplay, and lots of sex!
If by the end of the weekend your not saying SHUMAMUCLAYDA!
Then you did nothing worth doing!
GOD BLESS! and see you on monday!

OH COREY!

My friend Corey used to have a routine.
Everytime we go to the mall when we were about to leave, he would grad his ass while walking up to people and moan. "My hemorrhoids! My hemorrhoids are killing me!"
He almost got beat up so many times! But it was the funniest shit ever



Honzo! You make a me rough!
You make a me sooo rough!

GAY IS GOOD?

One girl in my class has a gay roommate. She said that it's quite the experience.
I want a gay roommate! Or atleast a gay friend.
Ok.. I want to see two gay guys make out....I would sooooo masturbate to that!

FORGETFUL?

How long does it take you to realize your clothes are on inside out?
Pants,shirt, bra, underwear?
When it comes to bra and pants IM ok but I can have a problem with the others....

PSW

This my future?
I'm gonna change shitty ass for the rest of my life?
Preventing contamination and use my interpersonal skills on a daily basis!
I fucking hate people!
I want to work with criminals.
But who would have thought that would require 3-5 years of school?

#1

When my sister an I were young, my dad told us to give our nana the finger a tell her she's #1.
So we did.
Whatever?

LIES!!!!

One night when I was in grade one, I didn't want to go to sleep.
So I kept bugging my mom telling her that my leg was soar.
Finally she came into my room and started to rub Bengay on my leg.
I looked up at her and asked "Mom if you put this stuff on your leg when it doesn't hurt, will anything bad happen?"
She looked at me with a serious face and said "Yes, your leg will fall off."
I ran into the bathroom as fast as I could to wash it off. As I told my mom that I should take it off just in case.

LIES!!!!

One night when I was in grade one, I didn't want to go to sleep.
So I kept crying to my mom telling her that my leg was soar.
Finally she came into my room to rub some Ben gay onto my leg.
While she was taking care of me I asked her "If your leg don't really hurt and you put this stuff on, will anything bad happen?"
She looked at me with a very serious face and said "Yes, your leg will fall off."
I began to cry and ran to the washroom to wash it off.
My mother said "If your leg hurts it shouldn't fall off dear."
Teary eyed I told her "I'll take it off just in case."

SISTERLY LOVE

One time I told my sister she was an alien.
She just said "No I'm not."
I continued to say over and over "Your an alien, your an alien, your an alien."
She was like whatever!
After about 5 minutes she started to cry saying "I am not....Am I? Mom!!!!"


Take my strong hand!!!!

MUSIC

I hope you like my song!
It makes me feel young....
Don't ask...

I always wanted a girl...

When my son was 2, my best friend and i put him in a dress and a pony at the top of his head and walked to the store....Just kidding....No i'm not.

IT'S ALL TRUE I SWEAR TO GOD!!!

A little something about my mom and her crazy husband Kevin.....
Their on drugs....



My mom and her husband just got this house that an old lady used to live in, she was sent to a nursing home. It's out in the country on the water.
Kevin comes in the house yelling and cursing. My mom asks what the matter is.
Kevin replies "A fucking raccoon just bit me!"
My mom asks "How did you let a raccoon get that close to bite you?"
He said "I think I tried to kiss it."
SOOOO Kevin needs rabie shots.

The other day Kevin was chased my a cop dog. The cop dog bit Kevin....
Now the cop dog needs rabie shots.

Kevin went to the nursing home to see the old lady. Her name is Ms Demars.
When Kevin returned home he says to my mom "I think Ms Demars thinks she has a dog or a cat or something cause she kept asking "how's happy?"
My mom suggested that happy was probably the raccoon. She said "Well what did you tell her Kevin?"
"I told her that happy is happy." Said Kevin.
They both began to laugh.....
Kevin shot the raccoon.....
Happy's happy!

IT'S ALL GOOD

My son is always bugging me to go to Mc Donalds.
So one day when he was doing so, I looked at him and said.
"Bradlee, did you know that if you eat this stuff, fat will go into your blood, clog up your veins, then your heart wont be able to pump anymore and you'll die?"
He just looked at me and said nothing.
Now when I ask him if he wants any fast food he asks me. "But mom wont my blood stop moving?"
He's 5
Whatever?

FUCK OFF GUY!!!

My best friend met this guy.....
4 years later she's married with four kids.
I think he just wanted to steal her from me...

I told her that her husband was interfering with our quality time!

EWWWWW

My sister and her friend Emily can pussy fart on command. Anywhere anytime.
They just move their stomachs all weird and it pushes air up there!
I don't let them do it infront of me cause it scares me

WEAR THIS ASSHOLE!

Favorite t-shirt quotes!

1. Michael Jackson didn't molest those children
He made love to them

2. Friends is over
kill your self

3. If your close enough to read this
You know have SARS

4. Do we have to have a presindent?

5. I support single moms

6. There are two people fucking on the back of this t-shirt
Just kidding believe in Jesus

7. I fucked the Olsen twins
Before they were famous

8. Talk nerdy to me

9. I'm here to kill you
next time keep that chain letter going

10. Show me on the doll were to touch you

11. You cant have manslaughter without laughter

12. The price is wrong bitch

13. Alcohol
It's not just for breakfast anymore

14. Mace just makes me hornier

15. If you think my t-shirt is tight

16. Your little princess
Is my little Whore

17. What would Jesus do?(for a klondike bar)

18. Asthma is sexy

19. Cows don't get mad
They get even

20. Look at my chest when IM talking to you!

21. If your offended by this shirt
Show me your tits!

22. Weapon of ass destruction

23. Take a picture.....
Masterbate to it later

I think this writer is super nice so i just thought i would let you meet her.
thatonegirl

FUCK U TOO!

It seems my landlord hates me.
Too many parties on my balcony. The other people in my apartment were complaining that I make too much noise. I don't see the problem really. I told them if they were feeling left out that all they had to do was knock.
HOLY!

IT'S JUST NOT FARE!!!!

Why are all the good guys gay?
I think the cute guy in my class is gay.
He folded beds with me in class. I wanted to lick him.
But please don't tell him that I don't want to scare him.
I really want to go shopping with a gay guy.
I need a gay friend!

I'm felling the pressures of school already I want to cry.

GET A LIFE>>>I MEAN REALLY!

I was 14.
I didn't know that if you drink two milk glasses full of whiskey, you will get really drunk.
So I was living at my friend Bruse's house. I had just broke up with my boyfriend and he was there with his new girlfriend. So I grabbed her bottle of cc and and filled two glasses of it. chugging it down one after another. I don't ever remember hearing anyone say stop, or say that's enough. Then again they were all probably waiting for me to start the show.
It started with me telling Ryan Chevy Jaime (my ex) and telling him I loved him. Then with me calling Jaime, Ryan and trelling him I love him. Before I knew it I was giving Ryan head in the basement on Bruse's pool table. I broke his toilet seat and his shower curtain. I woke up in the morning naked. I looked up and Bruse was standing above me. He said. "Get your shit and get the fuck out!"
So since then I've tried to limit myself and drink with caution.

TOO CLOSE FOR COMFORT

I went to Canada's wonderland on Saturday.
I went there with my boyfriend and my girlfriend long time Courtney.
We had a really good time!
Now tell me if this is wrong.
My friend Courtney is a very special person....LOL.
She is fucking crazy and has a sick sense of humor like I do.
The lines to get on the ride were not that bad but they were still a good 20 minutes to a hour. And the longer you stand around the more you seem to notice.... The really ugly people.
And Courtney could mimic them all! We laughed sooo hard for soo long!
immature maybe. But I had soo much fun making fun of ugly people all day. It was really what got us threw the long lines without becoming tired.
AHHHHH....It was a good day.

ANGER MANAGEMENT!!! good stuff

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take
it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on
someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten
to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying,
"Hello."
I politely said, "This is Andrew. Could I please speak with Robin
Carter?"
Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that
anyone
could be so rude.

I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her.

I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an a**hole!"
and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'a**hole' next to it, and put it in my
desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really
bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an a**hole!" It always
cheered me up.

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling
would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John
Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar
with the Caller ID program?" He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down.

I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an a**hole!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.

Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had
patiently
waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot.
The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window ..so, I
wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole,
(I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW a**hole, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" "Yes, it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's
parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?" "I'm home every evening after five."


"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes?"

"Don, you're an a**hole." Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed
dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two a**holes to call.

But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.
So, I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1.
"Hello."
"You're an a**hole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"A**hole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black
Beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, a**hole."
Then I called A**hole #2.
"Hello?" he said.
"Hello, a**hole," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are?"

"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your a**," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, a**hole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right
now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at
1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street.
There I saw two a**holes beating the cr*p out of each other in front of six
squad cars, a police helicopter, and news crew.
NOW, I feel better

Anger management at it's very best.

FUCKING MEN!!!!

Subject: Smart Women

FOR THE SMART WOMEN I KNOW AND THE MEN WHO CAN HANDLE IT
He said . . . I don't now why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in
it.
She said. .... . You wear pants don't you? *********************
He said . . Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . . . That's a good idea -- you stand by the ironing board while
I sit on the sofa and fart!
**********************
He said . . . What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave
you?
She said . . . Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
************************
On a wall in a ladies room . . . "My husband follows me everywhere"
Written just below it. .... . "I do not"
************************
Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to
do the dishes?
A. Both of them.
***************************
Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer.
******************************
Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A. The bonds mature.
********************************
Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.
********************************
Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. We don't know, it has never happened.
********************************
Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and
good-looking?
A. They already have boyfriends.
********************************
Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
**************************************
Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."
*********************************

Today I will delete from my diary
two days: yesterday and tomorrow

Yesterday was to learn

and tomorrow will be the consequence

of what I can do today.



Today I will face life
with the conviction that this day
will not ever return.


Today is the last opportunity
I have to live intensely,
as no one can assure me
that I will see tomorrow's sunrise.



Today I will be brave enough
not to let any opportunity pass me by,
my only alternative is to succeed.



Today I will invest

my most valuable resource:my time,

in the most transcendental work:
my life;



I will spend each minute
passionately to make
of today a different
and unique day in my life.



Today I will defy every obstacle
that appears on my way trusting
I will succeed.


Today I will resist

pessimism and will conquer
the world with a smile,
with the positive attitude

of expecting always the best.


Today I will make of every ordinary task
a sublime expression,


Today I will have my feet on the ground

understanding reality

and the stars' gaze
> to invent my future.




Today I will take the time to be happy
and will leave my footprints and my presence in the hearts of others.






Today, I invite you to begin a new season

where we can dream

that everything we undertake is possible

and we fulfill it,

with joy and dignity.


{SMILE}
Have a good day and

a better one tomorrow!

BLOW JOBS

Me and my 16 year old babysitter used to walk down to 7 eleven at night so she could give "Brain" the guy who worked there a blow job.
Years later my dad bumped into her and she was working at a 7 eleven.
Coincidence? I think not!!!!

PORN AND DUBBIES

I used to have this babysitter named Brandi.
After my parents left she would throw on the porn and we would smoke dubbies.
My parents told me that she couldn't babysit anymore cause she was steeling my dads porn and her dubbies were going missing

Did you ever walk into your parents room in the middle of the night cause you had a bad dream.
And they were passed out....But the porn was still on?
Yah? So did I!

CHUCKY

When I was younger. I made my little sister who is seven years younger then I, watch the movie Chucky.
I think she was 5 maybe.
She was sooo terrified that she named all her dolls Chucky1, Chucky2, Chucky3 and so on.
My mom had to put all my sisters stuffed animals and dolls in garbage bags and remove them from her room.
My mother replaced that fear by hanging the creepiest looking clown faces on her wall.
My mom thought they were lovely.
My sister thought they were always stairing at her.
Long story short... My sis slept with my mom till she was 12.

NURSING STORIES

AHHHH... Maida
What a sweet lady.
She told me she could play crib.
And when we did, she had no clue what she was doing.
She would always accuse me of cheating......IM gonna miss her

NURSING STORIES

I used to give manicures at the nursing home.
There was this one lady who was telling me how she speaks three different languages fluently.
English, Spanish and French.
So I told her that I could also speaks Spanish fluently.
I would tell her to say something to me in Spanish and I would reply.
It would fuck her right up cause I cant speak a word of Spanish.

NURSING STORIES

At the nursing home I used to work at.
There was a old lady named Zora.
She was a mean old bitch.
I think she was Hungarian.
She used to yell at me and spit on the floor all the time.
And if she was really mad she would go in her room, grab a heeled shoe and attack people with it.
.....I loved that place.

FEARS

My son is afraid of ladybugs.
So when were walking down the street and he was walking too slow, I would tell him.
"Hurry or the ladybugs will get you!." I can see them coming!
It worked everytime.
Do you think that's wrong?
Oh ya I don't give a fuck!

CHECK THIS OUT

I go to this site to laugh every once in a while.
t-shirts from hell.....Google it lazy ass.

Would it be worth waiting on hold for two hours so you could prank the government?

"How may I help you?"
"Ya, is your fridge running?"